Well I know that all too well. If you've been reading my blogs on all my sites I have be it Myspace or here or on twittermoms and the others. Well then you should know what I have been through. I have been through so much crap that it makes my head spin and spin.Sometimes I believe that is why my heart has become so difficult to deal with now.
Yes I have many problems all the time and I am sure you have many too. We all deal with them as we can or the only way possible. Even if that means going to the doctor or just dealing with it at home. I have so many things on my plate at the moment that sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and just stay there. The only thing that keeps my head above the rough waters is my kids and my husband.
We have tried so hard to keep things paid and to keep everything in order. Just yesterday I told Ray(my husband of going on 12 years) that is it ever going to get better? He just looked at me and said "shit I sure hope so" . I day dream about playing the lottery and winning. Like I said I was day dreaming. lol But I was putting ideas in my head of how I would spend it.
I would make sure first off that we had a nice home to own. Of course then a truck for Ray . He has always wanted one. lol Me well don't laugh okay....But I want a maroon truck too. I rather have a truck because well I can haul so much more in it. But then I think I need a van for my mommy look. But naw I'll just do the truck. Nothing expensive. My son would get a car of his choice. Joycie would too when the time came. But mostly for her I would make sure she had her college set up for her.
Brandon and college well he dropped out of school. But I told him the only way he can do that is he has to go get his GED with me. But he says he wants to go in the service. I am terrified of that. He is my baby boy. Yeah I know he is grown up now and I should let him choose his own path in life. But he is my baby boy and will always be. I would make sure I put money to the side for his college. But I am not sure he will go though. I am afraid he will waste it on traveling around with it.
Well now onto other things with the money. I would make sure we were set so no more bills to worry about. Yes I know there are still bills for rich people . But nothing like what us broke people have. Noootthhing like it.lol Now after I know I have us taken care of then my family and my friends. Even friends I just met. But I would make sure also that I give to charities and I have a method of how that even will go.
I thought I would search out families that are in hard times that need money and walk up to them and give them the money in a way they would know that there was money . That way I could see them face to face and then I would know that I helped someone. Mostly mothers that are on their own and seem to not be getting anywhere cause their families won't help or ex husbands have treated them like mine did.
I would definitely want to go on a cruise somewhere that I have never been that is stress free and fun yet something in the way of comfort. I want to be able to lay back and enjoy the sun shining on my face and know my children are safe and having the time of their lives.I have never been able to do that for my kids. They have had a life not much different than what I had. I only said to myself that I don't want my kids to go through what I did as a child. But trust me they haven't .
I have had a really rough life. I have written a book and am so ashamed of what life I had that I won't put it out for others to read.My kids and some family have read it and told me to publish it. They even had tears from reading it. Most people say they have had it really bad but in my heart I feel we all have a rough road that we have traveled. But were just to ashamed of it to tale about.
I am not saying that I killed or that I was a prostitute. No not anywhere close to that stuff. lol never would I be. But it hurts when others that know what I have been through to start talking about it. Now don't get me wrong. I am not ashamed of what our mother had to do for us to keep us alive ,me my sister and brother. She was beat so bad and treated honorably but her Ex husband.
When she died I knew where she was going. He would be there with open arms to welcome my mother into the gates of heaven. That's why we dream of better things. To help us manage in this life of crap were given. That is why I dream of being better off in hopes that one day hopefully not long from now that I and my family will be able to enjoy our lives.But for now we have to still deal with this crap we call day to day.
Well I hope that we can get that nice car or truck or even a home that I wont have to move from again. Or maybe a life where I can have a job to just have to give me something to do and not be for income to struggle with and keep us fed and clothed or whatever. Maybe right? maybe it will be you the one that wins that lotto next or the one that someone comes up to and says here have a good life and enjoy what you have in front of you.
Or maybe it will finally be me and mine.I can only hope and dream for now. But I will still work til my hands and back hurts and I know unless I get rick I won't have a great heart that won't keep me up at night or cause me to call another ambulance. Just pray and all will fall into place if you Believe......I do . Do you?
Have a great day all and hugs and kiss from me. Peace love and happiness as I once herd someone say. I will say to you now.