I saw my children's faces when they were babies and I even had tears trying to form in my eyes. I began to think "Did I do right by my kids?" "Did I treat them right?" "Have I given them a good life?" Sometimes I just don't really know. I can see what I was dealt and well I can't really just say they were done better cause things are different this time and age. No I am not on some kind of drug or drinking. I don't do that crap. I just take the pills my doctor proscribes me but less than he proscribed.
So yeah I am in my own mind but just wondering down a road that I am afraid that might be no good. I am scared of what is to come in life. I am the type of person that is the person at the wheel and is the one to decide where I stop and where I go. Are you still with me? ^.^
I just don't want to die tonight or tomorrow or a week from now not a year or two. I just want to spend my time enjoying everything that has been given to me by nature and God himself.I wont let anyone tell me that there is no God. I know there is or we wouldn't be here. Yes like everyone we all stray on our beliefs. I wondered how then did God make us so prefect but so flawed. I was once told that we should never question God for well he is God and he needs no help I guess. But when I say were are flawed I mean this.
I mean like with my heart being like it is. Why did I have to be the one out of at least five children I know that came from my dad and two that came from my mom. Why am I the one that has the issues with their body parts? My sister is older than me and she drinks and has or is still doing drug. She doesn't have these problems. She told me once that she was proscribed something for her blood pressure. She takes all these drugs and drinks like a fish and that is the only problem she has?
She doesn't even take those meds for her heart that the doctor told her to take. Then I have my brother he is also a drinker from hell. He has been in bar fights and lost some check bones from them. He has almost died in car crashes. But nothing but the same as my sister. The reason the doctor tells them they have these problem is cause they drink.That's just on my moms side of the family.
Now for my father's side. I know I have at least 4 of them. not sure gender anymore. I do know I have a sister and a brother . I am sure I have one brother on his side. But the thing is my father never told me anything about them having the heart problems that he has. That I have inherited. I have lost contact with him and haven't been able to find him by phone or computer. I have never met him face to face. I almost did once and well as you have been told I haven't so. Yeah.
I just don't feel it's fair and I hope that my kids don't have the same problems as me. My son already had his fair share of problems. When he was born he was born with problems. I won't say what cause he might not like that. lol So I will just say he had problems. Well he has been showing signs of the same things I have problems with. Like my reflux,heart murr murrs,he even had a few panic attaches,he has bad eyes as I do. My daughter just has a bad eye. Well as they called it a weak eye. But I have taken care of that and made sure I helped her get it stronger and now it is straight.
I love my children so much I would just lay down and die if god asked me to just so my kids could live. That's how much I love my babies. I have a closer bond to my son than my daughter but I have herd that is normal.Just like tonight. I took my kids out to the movies. My daughter watched "Alice in wonderland" Me and my son watched "Wolfman". My son was going to watch another one but I asked them both if they would watch mine with me. Not that I was scared just that well I never watch or do anything for myslef. This time I wanted someone to do something I would like to do.
My son grabbed me by the shoulders and hugged me close. He told me "I will watch your with you mom".It felt so great to have herd that. I felt guilty for feeling good about it . But my son told me afterward that he liked the movie and he was glad he did.It was a good movie but I am partial to scary movies though. lol The point to this is that I got a moment in time with my son that I makes me cry. I just don't want it to stop though.
My daughter as I said isn't as close to me as I would love to have.
Maybe one day she will come closer but a will that day come? Will I get to see my kids grow up? I just want to see them as they graduate and fall in love and marry then have babies and grow older. I want to be able to be there when they have questions about life that only they can come to a mom or dad and ask. But will I be able to be there? I hope so,I really do.
I believe that this is why I have these problems with my heart. I am afraid that I will not get to do this. I can't figure out what it is that is causing all this crap with my body. I have told you how I have been having problems with my heart yes,But those are not the only things. The heat flashes I am sure is caused from the menopause But now my bones in my knees and my ankles are starting to hurt. I have stomach pains and my reflux has gotten so bad. I feel like sometimes I can't get enough air into my lungs.
When I am at work I am having a great day and then when it gets a little later in the night my breathing gets harder and my vision seems like I am on drugs. I try and drink tons of water and sometimes I get a soda from the fountain and drink it but then I just get hyper. I have been getting bruises and do not know how I got them.
I have started to take these calcium chewable cause well I don't drink milk or eat anything that has it in it. My head gets these pains in my right side and I take a headache pill. Sometimes they go away and sometimes they don't . I use to take sleep aids to help me sleep and was afraid that I would get hooked on them. So I stopped taking them. Now I have these Zanacs (not sure of spelling). I take them but only like one of the tiny pieces that I break off of the small round tiny pill that I have quartered.
I take those little tiny pieces when I get home from work. Mostly cause of the fact that I want to sleep. But I hate the way I feel the next day so sometimes I don't take them now. I just want to sleep my life away so I don't have to worry anymore. So that I don't have to hurt or cry or think.Then I stop myself and say t,I am missing my kids time with them. Then I few words that I once herd my mom say come to my mind. "Damned if I do and damned if I don't". So Now what do I do? Just live and hope that the next moment want bring something new.
I have started to train myself to deal with the problems that I have now but I don't know if I can tolerate anything else. The only thing that helps me sometime get through my heart problems is my son. My daughter has once or twice. One night I was having some really bad mur murs and my daughter was going to be at home with me I though anyways. She knew I wasn't feeling right and could see it . She came to me and said. "Mom my friends want me to come over and go to the mall with them. I was to be at home by myself then.
Hubby was at work ,son at a friends and now my daughter was gonna be with her friends and me all alone. I took a sleep aid and laid down and slept through most of it. That helped but only for half the night. I just sat up the rest of the night crying and praying it through. I tell you I wouldn't wish these things on my enemy. It is that bad yes. I know the difference between a panic attache and something happening to my heart.
Anyways I am tired and well I'm taking it while I can. So night night y'all. Hope you have a restful night. ^.~
If you have these problems also let me know okay. Talk to you later.